my head fell off
my body and i’m
looking for it in
a sink full of
dishes and an empty
suitcase but it’s not
there.
Messyfilter
Fingerpainting while chopping onions.
About the author
My name is Sarah.Most of the internet is my office.
This part is my living room,
where I'm allowed to be emo
and not wear pants.
October 14, 2010
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i have to drive
i have my reasons, dear
it’s cold outside
i hate the seasons here
i suffer mornings most of all
i feel so powerless and small
by 10 o’clock i’m back in bed
fighting the jury in my head
we learn to drive
it’s only natural, dear
we drive all night
we haven’t slept in years- Amanda Palmer, Have to Drive
How badly I want to drive for five days on a highway that looks forever like Nebraska just to talk to the windshield and find out what I’m coming home to.
They say don’t go alone.
They don’t understand that’s the point.
Those kids are disco dancing.
They’re tired of rock ‘n roll.
Don’t bother telling them that drum machine ain’t got no soul.
We can’t rewind, yeah we’ve gone too far.
The Internet killed the video star.
(Source: youtube.com)
October 7, 2010
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Friending vs Following
- Friend: I'm guessing you have this same problem: a lot of people feel a lot closer to me than I feel to them.
- Me: Yeah, I get that from blogging. But I also have the reverse problem. I can have great, intimate conversations with a person just once or twice a year, and consider them one of my closest friends because of it... but then they look at me like I have three heads when I say something about it... like, "What do you mean? We never see each other."
Secrets that are True in my head
I want to find more people who believe these things.
- “God,” “The Universe,” and “The Internet” can often be used interchangeably, and hold similar conceptual roles. (Interconnectedness, ask and ye shall receive, endless opportunity, love love love, bigger than anything and adjusting to take care of us, praying = twittering, and so on.)
- Everything is a game.
- There is no such thing as Not Doing Work.
- We write our own job descriptions, even when it looks like we don’t.
- Pain is exciting, because it usually means growth and change.
- People are fascinating and wonderful. Even the ones who piss us off.
- The hardest thing is that there are too many possibilities.
October 6, 2010
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Good Morning. This is what I’m having for breakfast.
A small glass of orange juice from bed while I watch a yummy man get dressed.
A cup of coffee — with a sesame seed floating in it and little soymilk that’s two weeks old — made from a coffee pot that was in pieces this morning. I had to fish the plastic filter cup out of the trashcan. It was disposed of by my non-coffee-pot-operating lover who cleaned up my place while I was gone.
An everything bagel (or at least sesame and poppy seed) split and toasted, one side with cream cheese and one side with peanut butter because I ran out of cream cheese.
Some water.
A saturated gmail inbox that hasn’t been dealt with in 8 days.
Some Steve Earl on Pandora.
A pile of notes from a week of travel, none of which fully answer the question of what’s next.
A mix of comfort and emptiness still lingering from that night of sleep. It felt so good to be in my own bed. Those soft sheets. And his big warm arms were there that make me melt. But I felt so lost in my dreams. I mean really — I think I dreamed about being lost. That sense of focus, urgency, and determination I usually come home with wasn’t there, and I’m digging for it. But really, I’m just a craving for a road trip so I can keep going. I spent a week out there, but I was sick for most of it, so my work isn’t done yet. I have so much more to figure out.
A half-formed question on the back of my tongue about how I can ask the world for a new person to be close to who already shares my secrets.
An effort to contribute to this context-evolving audience-unfocused expression platform. Livejournal turned Twitter turned Public Blog turned Melissa’s Inbox turned Tumblr turned Long Winding Highways turned Twitter turned Melissa’s Inbox turned Detached One-Night Stands turned Livejournal turned Paper Notebook turned Tumblr. C’mon, Tumblr. I believe in you. Let’s talk about the mundane things that no one will want to read. Like what I had for breakfast.
Walkabout: New Hampshire foliage, followed by three days running around Massachusetts, finding friends.
Traveled: Tuesday to Tuesday, which somehow saved me $200 against any other day of the week. Flew Virgin America (push a button, get a cookie). Also rented a car, because hell, I saved $200, and driving is the best part of anything.
Reorganized: a bunch of project plans, including the whole What I Want to Be When I Grow Up Or At Least For the Next Two Years… thing. Social media pal reminded me that my self-written job description doesn’t have to include the things I don’t want to do. Obvious advice. Massive revelation.
Saw: lots of fambly, parent’s new lake house, the Berkshires, Northampton, Boston, a good friend of my partner’s, my first girlfriend (who’s not so much a girl anymore), my assistant, none of my New Hampshire friends (sorry guys), and a social media marketing colleague (who took me to The Social Network).
Thought: I avoid many people and projects because I’m prone to total immersion, and that sometimes overwhelms me. Or is hard to extract myself from.
Also thought: I need a cross-country road trip. Maybe next month.
Back to Messyfilter
- Me: I have to start writing an article a week, and my writing muscles are way rusty.
- Emma: You need a place where you can write about whatever you want, for an audience, but where you're not focused on the audience.
- Me: That used to be livejournal. Now it's Melissa's inbox.
- Emma: That's great. But Melissa doesn't count.
A note from Kevin Marks: I liked this bit in Cory(Doctorow)’s Makers book:
“Here’s what being a career activist means: you are on the road most of the time. When you get on the road, you meet people, have intense experiences with them—like going to war or touring with a band. You fall in love a thousand times. And then you leave all those people behind. You get off a plane, turn some strangers into best friends, get on a plane and forget them until you come back into town, and then you take it all back up again.
“If you want to survive this, you’ve got to love that. You’ve got to get off a plane, meet people, fall in love with them, treasure every moment, and know that moments are all you have. Then you get on a plane again and you love them forever. Otherwise, every new meeting is sour because you know how soon it will end. It’s like starting to say your summer-camp goodbyes before you’ve even unpacked your duffel-bag. You’ve got to embrace—or at least forget—that every gig will end in a day or two.”
